In want of resolution
I just scheduled my beta blood draw for next Sunday. That's six days and counting for those of you playing along at home. Friends invited us to visit them at their lovely island home that Sunday, but we politely declined. No matter what the results are, it will be an emotional day. They don't need to be witness to my blubbering and/or sobbing. I'm not exactly a pretty crier. Besides, they're 5 months pregnant. Need I say more?
The thing I've realized about next Sunday is that we'll have an answer -- am I pregnant or not -- but what we won't have is a resolution. And it's a resolution I so desperately want (well, okay, it's a baby I so desperately want, but that goes without saying, doesn't it?). I am so ready to get off this IF roller coaster, but I don't see that happening any time soon.
If the beta is positive, we'll be thrilled, of course we will. But we'll also be terrified. We know all to well that a positive beta doesn't necessarily mean a baby in nine months. It's merely the first of many hurdles and from that moment on the anxiety will be off and running at full speed. As an IFer, there's no resting easy after a positive beta. As an IFer who's had a miscarriage, there's really no resting easy after a positive beta.
Nor is there resting easy after a negative beta. I don't think I've blogged about this yet -- it's hard to see it in writing -- but this is most likely our last cycle. My eggs seem to get crappier by the day, and more than that, I just don't think we have the emotional fortitude for another cycle. So I don't know where a negative beta would leave us. But I do know it would mean many many more months of soul searching and grieving. Not exactly a speedy resolution.
After my miscarriage, I told myself that I just needed to get through one more cycle. To just hold on long enough to make it through the shots, the monitoring, the procedures, the beta. I didn't think about getting through the aftermath, be it positive or negative.
But there's no turning around now. We must forge ahead trusting that someday this will all be over. Someday J and I will be sharing a cup of coffee on a quiet Sunday morning and we'll think back to when we were on the roller coaster. The pain will still be there, but it will be duller. The rough edges will have softened. We'll feel grateful to have moved beyond it even though we know it will never entirely leave us. And with any luck, we'll sigh, take a sip of coffee, and then go make breakfast for the kids.
posted by sube @ 3:40 PM
13 comments
13 Comments:
Couldn't have said it any better myself. We, too, are on the last cycle. Aside from the financial strain, the emotional strain is heavy. We're tired of waiting for an answer that might not be there, or may not be what we want to hear.
So this is it. Whew. Scary, isn't it? Aside from the miscarriage, our paths seem to be fairly side by side. My blood test is on Monday and I'm already freaking out. Last time, I just knew it hadn't worked. This time, I'm not sure.
I hope I hope I hope for you to get good news, then I'll hope and hope and hope it stays that way. Keep the faith, whichever one you have (0:
Sube,
I know you and J will get there, but sometimes even though you have that vision of your future and it for sure includes kids, it's still so hard. I'm sorry that you have the extra burden of this possibly being your last cycle to add to the stress of it all. I can't imagine...
I think we all fear we can't take one more step, try one more thing, walk down one more path, and yet, we always do. I guess the end result is so important that even when we feel like we're at the end of our rope, it's that vision that keeps us going.
I hope you get great news - I am keeping my fingers crossed. No matter what happens, you're brave and strong and I know you can handle it.
And if you think you can't, we're here for you.
xoxo
I'm on my third "last cycle". Although I've quit calling it that- because if I should happen to end up with FE's we'll be doing at least one more transfer. For me, I think it might be best if I don't know it's my last cycle till after it happens. But the thought is still looming out there. It is so difficult to deal with and I'm so sorry you are facing it, too. I hope it doesn't come to that for you.
I think we all wonder how much more we can take and most of all why, why, why??
Good Luck this time and may it lead to both resolution and a baby! (Or two!)
Thinking of you. This rollercoaster is the scariest one I've ever been on. I can relate to much of what you posted.
Wishing you all the best as you wait for Sunday.
I don't know when our last cycle will be, but I know that there has to be one. I'm glad at least part of you is at peace with this being perhaps the start of the next step. Hoping very hard for you, nonetheless.
I think that a positive beta is almost as terrifying as a negative beta to anyone who has had a miscarriage. Crossing my fingers for you.
I've got the whole 'Plan B' thing rolling around in my head right now, I just don't know where or when this ride will end for us.
Thinking of you, and I hope that your beta gives you the news you deserve x
Sube I couldn't have written the fear part of the post any better myself. As an IVFer who has had early miscarriage I know that it doesn't matter whether this cycle ends in positive or negative there are going to be major emotional repercussions.
I am not ready yet to say this is my last cycle, but I have certainly thought seriously about where the end will be, because there must be on.
I hope you don't have to go there. I hope the story ends just as you wrote it in the last paragraph.
Wow! Those last words gave me the shivers. I hope you're right...I SO hope you're right.
Some day it will be over. But when someday starts looking you in they eye, that's something else. I sincerely hope you get the best of news.
I hope it ends just the way you want it to.
Sube-making that decision when enough is enough is really tough. Pushing yourself to do one more cyle, one more injection, one more beta is really difficult. You try to give yourself a pep talk and convincing yourself that this time it will be different, I am more prepared and it won't be as hard. I hope this cycle ends up with great news. I am praying for you and J and hoping for only the best. Sending you a big hug!
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