Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Hope and joy

This pregnancy has been very different than my last, but not in the way I expected. I expected to be filled with anxiety. I expected to be overrun by the fear of what might happen, of things ending the way they did last time. But I haven't been. Instead I have been ... happy. There is more joy than fear, more excitement than anxiety. Not that I don't have my anxious moments, believe me I do. But hope is proving stronger than fear.

I spent the few short weeks of my last pregnancy consumed by anxiety. I worried over every symptom or lack of symptom, and fretted that things would end badly. I told close friends that I was pregnant "for now." I left the door open for bad news. But the day before my 7-week ultrasound I had an epiphany of sorts. I was having lunch with a non-IF friend. She told me she spent the majority of her pregnancy worried that something would go wrong. Of course it didn't, and she has a healthy, beautiful little girl. It occurred to me that I could spend all my time worrying about my pregnancy like she did, but it wouldn't change the outcome, for good or for bad.

I realized that if something went wrong, it wouldn't hurt any less because I had chosen to remain cautious and guarded. There was no protecting myself from that pain, so I might as well give myself over to the joy of being pregnant. And so I did. For one glorious day. The next day we learned there was no heartbeat, and I learned I was right: it didn't hurt any less for having remained guarded. Nothing I did could have made it hurt less.

So, this time, from the moment we got the positive beta, I gave myself fully to the pregnancy. I am determined to enjoy every minute of it, for as long as it lasts. I'm not afraid to use the p-word, I'm not afraid I'll jinx it. I don't know what's going to happen a week from today at our ultrasound, but I know I'm going to go into it with hope and with joy.

...Okay, hope, joy and a good measure of anxiety. I'm still human after all.

16 Comments:

At October 17, 2006 2:27 PM, Anonymous Watson said...

I LOVED your post!

Way to go, girl!

It is so brave to choose hope and joy, after what you've been through I'm sure it's not easy, but I love that you're really putting your positive intentions out there and doing your best to enjoy this.

Thanks for being honest about protecting yourself before and how that didn't make your loss hurt any less. That perspective gives me courage, going into our first IVF cycle in a couple of months.

Take care and I hope everything goes well for you.

xoxo

 
At October 17, 2006 2:30 PM, Blogger Jess said...

Love it! I agree...when I was pregnant (yeah, once upon a time when I managed that one) I was totally worried because I'd just watched my best friend go through a miscarraige. But she was pregnant again and worried herself through her first trimester and a little after, totally missing out on the joy of it.

If I'm ever lucky enough to get pregnant and stay that way very long, I'm with you...it hurts the same, so why not hope?

Good luck!

 
At October 17, 2006 2:36 PM, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I am also proud of you - it takes a lot of courage to be hopeful and joyful considering what you have been through. But, I think it's wonderful! I hope that things continue to go well for you!!!

Hope to be joining you in the P club soon...

 
At October 17, 2006 3:02 PM, Blogger MoMo said...

Sube--I am so happy to see that you are enjoying this pregnancy--as you said, nothing you can do to change the outcome. I am so extermely happy for you and I can't wait to follow you in this journey! Hugs!

 
At October 17, 2006 3:12 PM, Blogger Krista said...

What a great post Sube. I too am finding it easier to relax than I would have guessed, but I haven't really chosen hope and joy. I am so inspired by you, I am going to try.

 
At October 18, 2006 2:53 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Hope and joy sounds good to me. I'm hoping for you, too.

 
At October 18, 2006 8:06 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Happy tears... I'm so glad you are allowing yourself the joy! I'm so happy for you!!!

 
At October 18, 2006 11:33 AM, Blogger Beagle said...

Great outlook . . . good luck next week!

 
At October 18, 2006 1:51 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

You were right then, and you're right now.

 
At October 18, 2006 3:54 PM, Blogger Ella said...

What a terrific post. Heather at Big P and Me sent me over your way and I'm so gald she did. I'm touched by your courage and your perspective. you give me hope that things will work out however they need to and no amount of worrying or obsessing will change the outcome either way. I could learn a lesson from you. I linked to you, hope that's cool.
Take good care of yourself and I jsut know everything will go well. Positive energy!

 
At October 18, 2006 4:26 PM, Blogger Murray said...

That is really great! I admire you for your courage to just let things happen and be hopeful and positive.

 
At October 18, 2006 5:00 PM, Anonymous Sarah said...

That was a great post! It is true that we spend so much time worrying about things, that you tend to miss out on the moment. To be honest, things are pretty much out of our control. All we can do is stay positive.

I am so happy to hear that you are pg and I really hope that things go well for you this time.

 
At October 18, 2006 7:10 PM, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Good for you on choosing hope and joy!

I tried but couldn't quite get there during our short-lived pregnancy.

I so hope that everything goes well for you this time around.

 
At October 19, 2006 7:37 AM, Blogger Amy said...

Good for you, Sube! That's a great way to look at things. You should enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. You're right, you can't change the outcome so you should just let yourself enjoy it. I'm very happy for you.

 
At October 19, 2006 8:59 AM, Blogger soralis said...

Great post... wishing you the best at your u/s!

 
At October 19, 2006 11:12 AM, Blogger steph said...

That's so great. I'm always checking in here to see how you're doing. Sounds like you're headed in the right direction~ You can never control the future, but you can control how you choose to get to it. Going with hope and joy seems to me like a lot better road to travel the the pot-holed anxiety street!!

 

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